


yet you still mean everything to me

by yellowtulips



Category: WAYV
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Break Up, Crying, Falling Out of Love, Hendery-centric, M/M, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26271679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowtulips/pseuds/yellowtulips
Summary: But what could he do? He won’t ask someone who doesn’t want to stay to remain where they are.And so he nods, still refusing to face Dejun, and answers, “Yeah... I think so too.”If Dejun hears the strain in his voice while answering, he doesn’t say anything. Guanheng hopes he won’t say anything either.
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	yet you still mean everything to me

A soft knock, followed by two more.

Guanheng thinks, it’s been long since either one of them had to knock on each other’s doors. Well, unless they’re in their own rooms, but it’s been so long since they really used their individual rooms on their own.

Without a need to voice it out, the both of them always end up sleeping at either one of their rooms. A simple tug of the hand, or maybe Guanheng carrying Dejun who fell asleep on their living room couch, there wasn’t a time they would spend time in their place alone. And with how they usually spend their time doing their things together in the living room. Whatever it may be, studying or having dinner or just cuddling while watching things on either one of their phones or the television, Guanheng realised he never really felt a need to be alone in his room.

Until now, that is.

Even then, his door is slightly agape, leaving Dejun able to peek in should he want to. Looking up, Guanheng watches as Dejun’s eyes trail through everything in his room. Everything except the centerpiece himself.

“.. Are you free right now?” Dejun starts off.

Taking in a shaky breath, Guanheng nods, gesturing for Dejun to come into the room. 

Guanheng tries to distract himself from his thoughts, taking in the different sounds surrounding him. The sound of the door creaking as Dejun pushes it open. The sound of the clock ticking on his wall. The sound of the soft footsteps walking towards him. The sound of Dejun dropping himself on the bed, beside Guanheng.

He can’t help but look at their hands beside each other, placed on his bed. He wanted nothing more than to grab them and hold them in his own, but he hesitates, looking away after a few seconds. He didn’t know whether Dejun would be comfortable with it, and he didn’t want to make this unbearable tension in the air feel even more suffocating if he made the wrong move.

“Guanheng I… I think, we should break up,” Dejun says, voice getting softer towards the end. His head hung low, feeling as though he couldn’t bear to face the person sitting just right next to him.

And no matter how much he expected it, Guanheng couldn’t help the stinging in his chest upon hearing the words. He had so much to say, he wanted so much to try and fight for everything but he didn’t. He tried swallowing the lump in his throat, eyes still not looking at Dejun. He closes his eyes, scared that the tears beginning to well up might start rolling down his cheeks.

He admits, he was afraid to look at Dejun. He was scared to find out what emotion may be displayed on his face. Dejun who displays his emotions so clearly, he was scared to see whether now it’ll be void of any. He was scared there would be the sadness he was never able to hide. He was scared that Dejun would already be looking at him, that Dejun would be able to see the tears threatening to fall.

If Dejun were to see the state Guanheng was in, would he try and take back his words? Would he think of another way they could solve whatever this was? Would he wipe away the tears that eventually cascade down his cheeks? Or would he just pretend he didn’t see everything happening right in front of him? 

Guanheng takes another shaky breath in, thinking. He wants so badly to fight for their relationship. To ask him for another chance. To ask what he could change to keep whatever they had going. He wants so badly to get him to stay. 

But what could he do? He won’t ask someone who doesn’t want to stay to remain where they are.

He won’t admit the way he’s felt lonely the past few months, even if they stayed in the same place. Even if they were always at each other’s side. Even if they were making dinner together, eating together. Even when they were holding each other. 

Guanheng won’t admit the way he notices the way Dejun tries to leave a gap whenever they were sitting on the living room sofa, during their movie night. He won’t admit the way he notices Dejun being on his phone more often, texting the friend he always hangs out with now. He won’t admit the way he notices Dejun tensing whenever he hugs him from behind, and how he doesn’t relax until Guanheng moves away.

And so he nods, still refusing to face Dejun, and answers, “Yeah... I think so too.”

If Dejun hears the strain in his voice while answering, he doesn’t say anything. Guanheng hopes he won’t say anything either. 

He tries to calm himself, blinking away the tears threatening to fall, before mustering the courage to turn to Dejun. He doesn’t know what to make of the soft smile he’s greeted with. Was Dejun happy with his answer? That he didn’t try to push to keep the relationship? Guanheng finds that even with all these questions, he didn’t want to know the answers for them.

“Um… We’ll still be friends, right? You’ve been my best friend since forever and I don’t think I could ever lose you, you know? I’m sorry, does that sound selfish? I’ll feel better if you do whatever you’re more comfortable with-” Dejun starts rambling as soon as their eyes meet.

Guanheng couldn’t help chuckling, “I know, I understand. I’d like that too.”

He hears Dejun quietly hum before getting up, and saying he’ll leave Guanheng alone now. He waits for the sound of the door clicking close before falling back onto his bed, arm now covering his eyes. Guanheng starts thinking about how after everything, Dejun still could tell whenever he needed the time to himself. He couldn’t be more grateful for it now.

Knowing Dejun, he’d probably have more to say later, a way to make sure they are on the same page. A way to clear any lingering questions too. But, until then, Dejun knows that Guanheng will approach him when he finally wants to really talk everything out.

If Guanheng was being honest, being alone while feeling like this felt weird to him. 

He recalls all the times he’s felt like the whole world was crashing, and everytime he tries to coop himself up, Dejun will always be there. Dejun with his hand, pulling Guanheng to him, doing his best to try and calm him. Dejun with his fingers brushing through his hair, nails softly scratching on his scalp. Dejun that softly sings into his ear, words that he wanted to convey. And after, he may not say much but his physical presence alone brought him comfort. 

Removing the arm over his eyes, he starts staring up at the blank ceiling. He smiles softly after recalling those times. He couldn’t help but reminisce more about the things they used to do.

He misses the time he’d come home to the smell of food. The sight of Dejun placing their food onto plates, and once he finishes, Guanheng will always be right behind, waiting to hug him. The soft whisper of “I’m home” from Guanheng, and the little peck on his lips from Dejun afterwards as a way to say ‘welcome home’. Dejun will always carry both their plates into the living room right after, while Guanheng keeps his things away in his room. It became routine for them.

But then he recalls the days where he would come home to an empty place. The messages received, apologising, saying _hey, sorry i won’t be able to make it back in time for dinner, i have a project to complete_ or _my friend invited me out for dinner today, sorry baby_. And on the days they have time to spare for each other, he couldn’t help but think about how deafening the silence was between them whenever they ate. The usual light chatter between them, the asking about how the other’s day was, the shit-talking about group mates, they just stopped one day. As well as all the texts apologising for not being able to make it for dinner. The waiting for each other before digging into their dinner. 

Still, Guanheng can’t help but find himself preparing Dejun’s meal too whenever he prepares his. He still plates it but he leaves it in the fridge afterwards instead, leaving a note saying _your food is in the fridge, heat it up when you feel like eating. love you <3 _even when he knows Dejun will probably be eating out again. 

Guanheng won’t lie, it aches, and he constantly craves for what they used to have. Yet, he doesn’t want to voice it out. Especially when he always sees the way Dejun looks so happy whenever he comes home. 

He doesn’t want to admit that it’s been the brightest he’s seen Dejun smile in a while. Guanheng would try to bring it up into a conversation whenever they used to have their daily dinners. He’d ask how his day was, and bring up how happy he looked today, and Dejun… Dejun would give him the brightest smile before talking animatedly about his day, and bringing up his friend.

Dejun’s friend, that he now spends the most time with. Guanheng tries to ignore the way Dejun smiles the brightest whenever he spots them together on the school campus. He always pretends he doesn’t see them. He much rather see the smile on Dejun’s face anyways. Guanheng won’t admit the way he felt as though he’d ruin it if he were to suddenly show up, even if it was to just greet them. 

To top it all off, Guanheng knew Dejun was falling for another person. If the way he smiles around him wasn’t proof enough, Guanheng notices the way he talks about the other constantly. He notices the way he unconsciously clings to the other whenever he spots them together. He’s grown comfy with the other, and he makes Dejun happy too. He wishes it was just him overthinking yet he’s been through so many of Dejun’s relationships that he knew the telltale signs.

Guanheng stays mum when he puts the pieces together, he always does.

He comes to his senses when he feels the way his cheeks are wet. He didn’t know when they started, and he can’t find it in him to stop them.

So, he let’s them all flow free.

All the bottled up feelings. All the questions of why he couldn’t be better for Dejun. All the wondering of what he could have done, or maybe not have done. All the blame he put on himself.

Yet he doesn’t wail for Dejun to come back. He doesn’t wail for Dejun to stay.

But he still wonders, “When did you run out of love for me?”

His whisper into the empty room rang loud in his ears, and for a moment he was afraid Dejun would be able to hear. He doesn’t want to worry Dejun anymore than he already does, and he hopes he isn’t worrying Dejun in the first place. 

Guanheng wanted nothing more than to be selfish if he was being honest. He wanted so bad to ask him to stay, yet at the same time he wanted Dejun to be happy. Even more happier than he already was, and if he couldn’t be the one that gave him that, he’ll let him go.

He smiles wearily. He smiles and he thinks, “...If you’re happy, then that’s all that matters to me. Maybe I’ll learn to be happy seeing you happy.”

And so, he begins to let go.

**Author's Note:**

> it's been long since i've written angst, so i hope the feelings i was hoping to convey were able to be felt(?) also, truth be told, i wasn't really too sure about how to end it off but i still hope it's good enough. i hope all of you enjoyed reading <3 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/uyuhuns)   
>  [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/kissjaem)


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